this is your reason to stay.

are you dazzled or depressed

at the view through your

same-as-yesterday window?

my heart is frenzied & sad

at the same-as-tomorrow’s intentions

that keep measuring me lacking

in comparison to my expectation:

to get better without changing.

is it foolish and fanatical

to want more from exactly the same thing?

or is it genius and generationally good-mannered

to say, “have hope,” “things will get better,” “it will turn out alright,”

“YOU WILL REACH THE AMERICAN DREAM” ?

this tragic trajectory of too-many-times taken

paths of least resistance

explains the token tumor

in the abdomen of our culture.

it’s not something you’ve swallowed

and you’re certainly not ready for pills

is it something you can pray about?

#admittingtoignorance

no, reduce the problem into an equation:

what is the least common denominator

between 1, 7, & 9?

1 being your expectation

7 being your stubbornness

9 being your pride

for those of you wondering,

the answer is 63.

so nobody’s going home with less than 63 hours of practice

at whatever it is you wish you were doing or changing

so that the view out your window doesn’t look the same.

besides, studies show that in order to create the muscle memory

necessary to subconsciously complete a physical task,

10,000 repetitions are necessary

and that has nothing to do with the number 63.

are you silent about your lack of consent

as the mistress of mediocrity

steals your love? 

you said the lights were making the air too hot

so you hoped new and cooler light would sift in from the next room.

I watched you struggle to trust yourself whisking crepe batter

as you asked me to add the flour.

you thought you were a failure

as I thought you to be beautiful

so you make the crepes

of course they can’t be perfect

you’re a little bit angry

so I try to tell you everything takes practice

that it’s been three years since you tried this last

that I know you had a French friend

but you don’t love him any less

when your crepes don’t turn out right

that when your crepes don’t turn out right

we don’t love you less

we love you more. 

and it is this:

we love you.

you’re leaving & just like anybody

you need somebody to say

please stay

I know you never had any reason to be here

but we’ve created one

and though you’ve found a reason to leave

this place has grown a place for you in its heart

and it has to do with heartbeats

and it has to do with loyalty

and its simple & true

never make the mistake of thinking you can leave a place invisibly

you have lived and existed and it has mattered.

we are different because of you,

you have stitched a thread of importance through us.

I know that you might think you are small.

sometimes it doesn’t make sense

but give up believing you’re not important enough

for people to beg you to stay. 

There will be days,

you know,

when you’re not happy to be with me

and you’re going to have to stay by my side anyway.

That’s not a threat—

it’s a promise

that I’m going to do the same.

We’re not the same as each other at all,

and I’m thinking that’s what makes us different,

special, more likely to see the beauty in each other,

more likely to see contrast

while

I still admire the way the sunlight falls on your face

you still admire the way my hair swirls in the wind

and wish it wasn’t getting in your ear

while

I still admire the way you never stop feeling a beat

and you admire my mind’s ability to be silent.

please don’t stop putting your arms around me

and I will remember to give you some space.

there will be days when you can’t breathe

and I’m going to try to find you some oxygen

there will be days when you can’t smile

and I’m going to try to find you some joy

there will be days when you can’t speak

and I’m going to try to help you get your voice back

there are scarcely days

when I don’t admire

the way your skin looks with mine,

the reaching I feel when your eyes are in mine

there are days when I don’t like you.

there are days when I know you don’t like me.

there are not days when I don’t love you. 

—and they’re even out tonight.

I miss the open fields and emptiness I feel in the Midwest,

I miss Europe and I miss my sister.

trying to sleep & instead sweating in my sheets,

moths are chirping & hitting their wings against the ceiling.

the citronella candle is making dancing waves on the walls

so that the whole room feels like a giant, burning mosquito-luring presence. 

DADA, Robin Goodfellow, and a list of rules

Dear Scooby-doo
where are you?
we have a lot
on our minds
and here’s a list of rules.
line them up like little soldiers.

Always leave when the lights are out-
If you will do it for them, you will do it to them-
Never drink with your shirt off-
If you love it let it go-
If you can justify doing something, don’t ever be ashamed of doing it-
If you can’t justify doing something, don’t do it-
People are important-
Don’t lie-
Nothing is about winning-
Don’t get caught-
Don’t let affection’s infinite divisibility get you down-
Don’t settle-
It isn’t always bad to be forgotten-
Don’t let fear hold you back-
Don’t boast-
If you’re in a wedding, go-
Sorry means you won’t do it again-
You don’t have to do anything-

If someone talks, listen-
There is no such thing as age-
You can’t be mad at someone for telling the truth-
It takes too hands to clap-
Complaining is not allowed-
Get consent-
Don’t make assumptions-
If you want to be alone, you probably should be-
Fear is a bad reason to do anything-
if you want to known, ask-
Speak softly-
Don’t flirt- [crossed out]
Don’t kill yourself-
Don’t take yourself too seriously-
Life is short, fight-
Don’t do anything you’ll forget-
Always stand up to shake hands-

 erik riley

she was the gloss-eyed stare of all you can remember not smiling to

not because you hated her

but because she knew you didn’t

and still wouldn’t smile

she loved people she could not tell

and cared for people—she could not say why

when their hearts came down to it

they weren’t around.

she enjoyed being predictable

but her predictability was only

as typical as she wanted it to be.

She’d glide over your vulnerability any day

but still be there when your heart is asking.

consistently arguable,

reliably present,

a pliable heart but she’d never let you know. 

“girl, I know you need the sunshine.”

and I tell him, “I need it more than you know.”

we are becoming each other’s arms

so we can step out of ourselves

for once.

I tell him, “You know, you want me to be just like you.”

“You’re right,” he says,

“Now tell me what you want. What do you want?”

but I can’t really say, and I haven’t thought about it in so long

that I’m not sure I know.

“I want recognition, that’s really what I want,” he’s saying.

He thinks he’s boring, that he has nothing to give.

I tell him he’s the most unique and interesting person I know. 

for feeling better or feeling worse

than your inclinations are telling you.

you could probably open the blinds,

let a little sunlight in.

you could probably mildly say my name,

and hello as soon as I walk through the door.

but there are not important reasons to do these things

& just as you learn to do them

I can learn to live without them.

walk through the grassy sunlight and feel mud gush

beneath boots

and know by the birds that it is morning

then come back to night,

blankets strewn across the floor,

and the stagnant stench of not knowing at all

what to say.